Dear Carolyn: When seeking emotional support from a friend regarding a troubled marriage, is there a line one should not cross, in terms of what you divulge? If so, where is the line?
More than a year ago, I starting confiding in a close friend about my possibly failing marriage. Not a ton, out of both a sense that I was somehow betraying my wife — who is also friends with my friend, through me, as are our children — and a reluctance to be a “burden” to my friend. But our communications did become more frequent recently.
My wife, without my permission, looked at my phone to read text exchanges between my friend and me. Her suspicion was aroused because I returned home pretty late one night after seeing friends, including this one, to whom I had broken down sobbing that night.
A bit of background: My wife’s friendship with my friend had already suffered because I had confided in this friend years ago when my wife had an emotional affair. That is, my wife knows that my friend knows about it.
In the texts, I mostly expressed my gratitude for our friendship. This has caused some friction. While acknowledging that I should have someone to talk to, my wife expressed strong emotions about how I have “let a third person into our marriage” and said some very-not-nice things about my friend.
I should note that I have told my friend probably less than my wife imagines.
So is there a line? And where is it?
— Confiding
Confiding: At this point, line placement seems like a side issue.
The main one being that the trust in your marriage is dead. If there’s no momentum toward therapy or other means of reviving it, from either of you — meaning you’re both dug in on defending your own actions — then it’s time to start asking whether it’s even possible.
In case you’re still invested: Each couple decides together where the “line” is on confiding in others, but “no confiding about the marriage to others” is not a healthy line to draw. Every spouse needs an outlet and license to speak freely.
It does get abused, yes, and can put the emotional center of gravity outside the marriage — plus, plenty of spouses “confide” their way to affairs. Still, friendship embargoes are bad for individual health and safety. I can’t tell you how many stories of abusive households include some form of, “We don’t air our dirty laundry in public.” Risking the verbal sanctity of marriage to protect the individuals in it may not feel so great, but it’s the only rational choice.
One answer is to choose confidants without ulterior motives. If your friend dislikes your wife, then your wife has a point.
Now, neutrality might be a fiction — plus, your wife’s behavior might be why your friend dislikes her — but you owe it to your vows to choose confidants who have no preferred outcome besides your happiness.
Applying these standards here, I do think leaning on this friend may have worsened your marriage; certainly, you seem to be sharing better with your friend than with your spouse. However, when your spouse responded to that by violating your privacy, after having strayed emotionally herself, that tipped the balance toward justifying your choice of support.
Sigh.
So the clear “line” is one of good faith. When that’s gone, any issues of whom you tell what are secondary. Time to see whether “good faith” is something you and your wife can still show, by asking for it: in conversations with each other about what’s next.
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November 09, 2023 at 03:00PM
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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Is it a betrayal to confide in friends about a troubled marriage? - The Washington Post
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