The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on what to do when a roommate is in a relationship with a convicted killer.
I have a childhood friend who recently moved into my home. Everything has been going well, except she is dating an inmate who was convicted of murdering one of his family members. This inmate is somebody we knew when we were younger; our friend group was very affected by the murder. I have my own personal trauma with the inmate, and I know my roommate does as well. He is really not a great guy. But my roommate is convinced the inmate has changed. She tells me details about their relationship, as friends do. It’s clear to me he hasn’t changed much. I avoid talking about him as much as possible and change the subject if he is brought up. Although he still has 11 years left on his sentence, he is trying to appeal for a lesser term. I am hopeful their relationship will end before he is released. Otherwise, I fear for her safety; I can see the red flags every day. What do I do to help? My family tells me that if I try to talk to her about it, I will just push her away. But I’m having a hard time just standing by. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
A relationship that takes place while one party is in prison doesn’t tell you very much about what things will be like once that partner has been released. Physical violence can’t occur when two people are meeting only under supervision, and the incarcerated partner has a strong incentive to behave well in order to maintain a relationship that may be one of the few positive elements in his life. Nor can I judge whether this man would pose a danger to your friend once he has been released. You haven’t said anything about what you think the “red flags” are, beyond your opinion (not shared by your roommate, who surely knows him better than you do) that he’s not much changed.
Still, to go by the available research, men are much less likely to commit violent crimes in middle age than in their youth. In fact, a study of recidivism rates for people paroled from life sentences in California between 1995 and 2011 found that only 0.6 percent of parolees were later convicted of felonies, none of them for murder. Absent specific information, then, I would say that the risks here may be less substantial than you fear. And this inmate won’t be released early if a parole board thinks he poses a significant danger.
A separate issue is how you and your friends would feel if your roommate asked you to accept the presence of someone who caused all of you enormous distress, even if it was many years ago. It would take a special effort on your part to reconcile with him, and it would be a lot for your roommate to ask. And yet forgiveness, even if partial and provisional, is a worthwhile aim. Convey your concerns, in a supportive way, but try to be open as well to her views. A world without second chances is a dismal one for offenders who have served their sentences. The best outcome for the formerly incarcerated is to be reintegrated as law-abiding citizens and having a loving partner makes this more likely. Whether maintaining the relationship is what’s best for her is ultimately something she’ll have to decide for herself.
Readers Respond
The previous newsletter’s question was from a man who was adopted as a baby and raised in a nurturing family. He asked about the obligations he had to his birth mother, whom he found in adulthood. According to him, she has struggled with mental illness and addiction, and he found their relationship mostly unpleasant. He wrote: “My birth mother is currently alone and isolated, living on public support in subsidized housing. … Now that she is in her 80s, I am wondering what, if anything, I owe her beyond periodic phone contact. … Do I have a moral obligation to assist someone I barely know and don’t particularly like, but who happened to have brought me into the world?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Children don’t have obligations to their parents merely by virtue of being biologically related. Those obligations arise only from a proper relationship with them. With deeper ties come expectations. … Whatever assistance you provide will be a decision, not a duty.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I totally agree with the Ethicist’s response. Being a parent, biological or adopted, in and of itself deserves nothing from the child. Parents need to earn their children’s respect and caring; it is not automatic. I believe that as both a daughter and a mother. — Mary
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Biology does not generate obligations. But it may be a good idea to stay in touch and, as far as possible, to accept that a biological parent is as worthy of respect as any other person in your life. The longer you can keep the door open, without doing yourself harm, the more complete the final closure will be. — Eleanor
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As an adopted child, I found the birth-mother relationship hard. On one hand, she brought you into the world. On the other, she gave you up. Your relationship can only be based on the nature of the bonds you made after meeting, like any new friend. I see no reason for you to feel guilty or obligated. Give yourself the grace to step back, or to step in. — Janet
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What were his expectations when seeking out his birth mother? There were obviously problems leading to her giving him up. That she turns out to have issues should be no surprise. I think establishing a relationship establishes some level of commitment on his part. — Shary
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Adoptive mom here. The letter writer has fulfilled any obligation that may have existed by being in touch with his birth mother and letting her know he is well. (I’ve learned that’s the biggest question for most birth parents.) Some similar relationships flower into productive, loving dyads. For others, minimal contact is preferable. I agree with the Ethicist: The writer has no obligation to follow up or provide care. Blood doesn’t make a family, love does. — Christine
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