DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for seven years. We are in our 60s. He refuses to make a will. He tells me what he "would" put in his will and asks me if I am OK with his wishes.
He has an adult child from his first marriage and would like to include her in the will. I'm fine with what he wants. This conversation has been going on for more than five years now, but he never acts on it. I am very hurt and frustrated.
The house is in his name, and my name isn't even on his checking accounts. I resent him for this. There are times when I want to get a divorce because I feel if something should happen to him, I will have no security. I also think he is being selfish and unloving to me and his adult child to leave us in a situation where we would have to go through the probate process. Please help me to get through to him. -- RESENTFUL IN MAINE
DEAR RESENTFUL: Your husband may be afraid to face the idea of his own mortality. He wouldn't be the first. The two of you need to make an appointment with an attorney who specializes in wills and estates. If he doesn't put his wishes in writing, the assets he has worked so hard for may be seriously diminished when the state decides "for him" and takes a sizable chunk out of the estate.
While you are talking with the lawyer, there should also be a discussion of end-of-life planning. Does he want hospice? Palliative care? Do you know what his wishes are in the event he is unable to speak for himself? Those wishes should be in writing and so should YOURS. (This subject should also be raised with your doctor(s).)
Most people want to keep what they have worked for and decide for themselves what will happen when they die. Death is a fact of life, and hiding from it won't make it go away.
DEAR ABBY: I send out lots of greeting cards every year for birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. I keep a large number of them on hand so I am prepared.
I received a Christmas card this year from an elderly family member that said: "Thank you for the insulting anniversary card." "Insulting" was underlined twice. I was dismayed. Their anniversary was last August. I have no idea which card I sent since I keep so many on hand. I am guessing it may have been a humorous card that they didn't find funny, but I'm not sure.
Both are very alert and oriented. What is the proper thing to do here? Do I call them and apologize when I have no idea what it said? Should I not send an anniversary card next year or send a very generic one? I have been very upset that my good wishes were so poorly received. Any advice you can give would be appreciated. Thank you. -- CONFUSED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR CONFUSED: Call the couple and ASK what it was about the card that upset them. Explain that it wasn't your intention to offend them, and apologize. DO send an anniversary card when the time comes, but when you do, make absolutely certain the message inside is appropriate.
Trainer turns woman's head, and husband starts to notice
DEAR ABBY: I have grown really close to "Pete," my trainer at the gym I joined two years ago. We are both married. I know it's wrong to feel this way. I love my husband, but I'm not sure I am "in love" with him anymore.
I think what I feel for Pete may be more than just a physical attraction and connection. Our lives are so parallel. We are both loyal to our spouses, so nothing has happened.
I'm not sure if he feels the same about me, but I sense our chemistry when we are together. Our friendship hugs are lasting longer, and our flirting has increased to a different level. We text every week in the morning and now, since he quit his job at the gym, we have started to miss each other. I can't stop thinking about him. He's on my mind constantly.
I know I shouldn't open up Pandora's box because it could destroy lives. My best friend has picked up that I talk about Pete more than my husband. My husband overheard one of my virtual workout sessions with him and afterward was cold and different toward me, so I know he was picking up on our connection, too. Should I talk to Pete about how I'm feeling or leave it alone? -- WORKING IT OUT
DEAR WORKING: It's time to ask yourself what, exactly, you want from Pete. Is it a fling? Do you want to wreck your marriage and possibly ruin his? Crushing on a perfect physical specimen is common, and when something is missing in your life, it's easy to fixate on someone you have contact with regularly. If you feel the urge to work out, work things out with your husband because, if your letter is an accurate description of what's going on, that marriage of yours could use some toning up.
DEAR ABBY: I work for a small company in Colorado. It pays well. I will be quitting my job as soon as I'm out of debt, which will be soon. My job is way too stressful, and I'll be able to afford the pay cut.
The problem is, my boss is a relative by marriage and a good friend. Most of the stress in my job comes from the way he communicates with me and everyone else in emails. He is often rude, condescending and accusatory. It has become more than my fragile nerves can handle.
When I quit, how can I exit without calling him out when I'm asked my reason for leaving? Do you have any advice as to a vague yet satisfactory "reason" for leaving? I don't want to bring up the actual problem because he already knows how he is, and his actions won't change. Also, I value the peaceful relationship we have and don't want to cause any drama in the family. -- KEEPING THE PEACE IN COLORADO
DEAR KEEPING: When the question is asked during your exit interview, express gratitude for having had the opportunity to work there. Your reason for leaving will be to "explore other opportunities."
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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Dear Abby: Man talks about his will but won't put it in writing - The Pioneer
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