Perspective | Carolyn Hax: How to stop mom from constantly talking about weight? - The Washington Post

Hi, Carolyn: I’ve come to realize over the past few years how obsessed my mom has become with weight. None of us are skinny in the family in the slightest, but we’re also not obese. When I was on the phone with her a few nights ago, she told me how relieved she was that my brother was going to be going back in to work because he “wasn’t moving around and was probably eating too much” and something along the lines of he probably gained weight during quarantine.

My brother is almost 30. This is a COMMON topic for my mom to express to me. What can I say to make her stop? I know this is about her and her anxieties about her own weight, but seriously, my grown-up brother doesn’t need his mother badmouthing him to his sibling.

And I also am sick of how negative she is about other people’s bodies because I know that’s how she talks to herself. And I know this because the way I talked about other people’s bodies was how I (mostly) used to talk to myself about mine.

— Sick of It

Sick of It: First, start with an observation and question combo, next time she harps on it: “Mom, I notice you’ve been talking a lot about people’s weight. Any reason for that?”

Let her respond. Who knows, she might shock the world and say, “Huh, I hadn't noticed — I should really back off people.”

Presumably, though, she will deflect or rationalize. Then you can say:

“I'm not comfortable with the subject of weight. It is not a healthy conversation topic for me. I also don't want my body up for discussion, so that tells me I shouldn't talk about anyone else's, either.”

She can respond to that how she chooses — she might feel judged, in which case you say you're speaking only for yourself. She can argue that it is important to talk about it as a health issue (I get some version of that, and disagree with it strongly, every time I write about leaving the weight topic alone); you can respond to that defense by saying she's free to talk as she pleases, but you're opting out. What matters is that you no longer discuss weight with her. That's your boundary and that's your prerogative.

So when she starts in on someone's weight, you just say, “Mom, you know how I feel about this. So tell me, how's [new topic]?" And if she presses, “Aw jeez, gotta go, Mom, talk later.” Stand firm.

Re: Talking about weight: My husband grew up with a very difficult mother who his siblings didn’t like and don’t like now, but they never really discussed it. I remember the relief his sister felt when they discussed their issues with their mother as adults. It might be helpful for your brother to hear, “Do you notice that Mom discusses weight a lot?” and let him find a space to discuss what’s been going on.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: With the mother you mean, eventually, yes? I agree that could be a helpful progression, for the siblings to talk and then bring their concerns to their mom. Thanks for … imagine some non-cringey alternative to “weighing in.”

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Perspective | Carolyn Hax: How to stop mom from constantly talking about weight? - The Washington Post
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