Perspective | Ask Amy: Addict in recovery wonders about disclosure - The Washington Post

Dear Amy: I am a recovering addict. I have been clean been for more than 20 years.

I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship with my first husband (the father of my children), and he has since passed away.

Finally, I met the love of my life, and when we first met, he made some judgmental comments about people who use drugs.

Once I became aware of his attitude, I was afraid to say anything that might ruin our relationship.

I am very proud of myself that I beat the odds and I am now very successful and have a wonderful life with him. We have been together for five years.

I have told him about most of my life before him. I have never lied to him, but I have also never mentioned that part of my life.

I struggle with this because I want to be honest and I want him to know everything about me.

I feel like I’m being deceitful in a way, but I also feel like this should be left in the past. I shouldn’t worry about it because we are very happy together and we plan on getting married soon.

What are your thoughts?

— Recovered

Recovered: If you had truly left your addiction and recovery in the past, then you wouldn’t still be worrying about it.

But I don’t think you should leave this part of your own history in the past, because you will be in recovery for the rest of your life. This is a rich and important part of your complicated story, and your partner deserves to know this about you.

If you had disclosed your addiction earlier, you would have had the opportunity to open his eyes to the reality of addiction disorder, which many people see as a character flaw, when it is in fact an illness that requires a great deal of discipline (and occasionally medication and rehab support) to recover from.

As it is now, the love of your life may see your deceit by omission as a character flaw, but you cannot have a successful marriage as long as this weighs heavily on your mind.

The fact that you have been “afraid” to bring this up is an impediment to your emotional intimacy.

I hope you will choose to bravely face this now, giving the man you love the opportunity to really know you.

Dear Amy: I recently found out that my fiance has been tracking me through an app on my phone.

This is an app that he would’ve had to go into my phone to set up and enable.

I haven’t done anything to inspire this behavior from him.

He’s also never really had a long-term girlfriend.

Thinking back to situations where he has oddly questioned things, I realize that he has been tracking me for a while.

We have been together for a year and a half.

I am preparing to be move in with him a long distance away. This involves picking up my whole life.

I feel violated, disappointed and angry.

How am I supposed to bring this up to him, and how do I move past this? Is that even possible?

— At a Loss

At a Loss: I’m going to assume that you have absolutely verified that this has happened because when confronted, your guy will probably deny it.

If this man’s behavior isn’t a dealbreaker for you — then what is?

You are feeling righteously angry, disappointed and violated by his choice.

The fact that you aren’t sure how to express your indignation about this should be another red flag for you.

You need to unpack your bags and stay right where you are. You should move forward without him.

You could really mess with him by changing your number and shipping your current phone to Cleveland, not that I would ever suggest such a thing.

Dear Amy: “Concerned Friend” reported that searching for a friend’s bridal registry seemed to lead to several porn sites.

This happened to me. I had made (and forgotten about) a couple of websites back in the day, and I learned that some skeevy porn site had parked on one of them.

Creepy.

— Been There

Been There: Yikes. This is a great reason for all of us to clean up our virtual “rooms.” You never know what’s hiding in the Internet’s closet.

2021 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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